I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
