Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
