just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
