Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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