my mouth tastes like poor choices
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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