She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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