Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
