drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
