Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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