There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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