Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We are two peas in an std pod
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
