Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
