My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize