Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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