well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
