I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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