WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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