He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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