jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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