I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
