I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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