i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
