Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
