I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
