Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize