I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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