thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
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