there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
