She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
