this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
