remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
