Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
