What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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