i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
