Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
