Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
