I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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