My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
