Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Boobs speak an international language.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
