She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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