we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
