i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize