When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's shark week go big or go home
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
