I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
