This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
