im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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