i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
