The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
