nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
