Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
