question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
