i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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