Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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