so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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