sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize