I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
