took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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